Normal Indian scheduling has been interrupted for today, folks.
Because my phone wire is being an absolute doofus again so I can’t get any photos to illustrate my witty and hilarious (lol) musings, and I DON’T LIKE POSTING THINGS WITHOUT PHOTOS especially when some of the photos I want to use make you stop and go ‘Wowee, that’s pretty and nice, let’s all go on a Summer holiday to India’. I’m not bigging up my photography skills or anything because to be honest they’re pretty non-existent: I point and click and sometimes get lucky, but India (particularly Rajasthan) is so damn photogenic that even a bad photo is a prize-winner. Anyway, I have like sixteen hundred posts about India all typed up ready and raring to go so they’re coming soon, I promise, but in the meantime why not endure another thousand words or so of me complaining about blog and blogger related things.
When you’re a blogger, or when you’re like me and have a blog but are a smidge hesitant to actually call yourself a blogger (just ’cause you have a garden, does that make you a gardener?!), there are always the same kinds of posts doing the rounds. You know the ones I’m talking about – the tags, the OOTDs, monthly/weekly favourites etc. They’re not unique, they’re not special but they’re nice and they’ll always be popular. They’re safe, relatively simple to pull together and an easy peasy crowd-pleaser. Can’t go wrong really!
I’m not in any way having a dig at these kind of posts or that blogs that feature them. In fact, you’ll find a few knocking about here (like my August and September monthly reviews) and a few other bits and bobs – but there are a few of these regular features that I know for sure I’ll never write. Not because there’s anything wrong with them, because there’s not, but because they just ain’t me.
What I Ate In A Day
Although I am fascinated with seeing what other people eat, I wouldn’t wanna inflict my diet on anybody’s eyes.
One day last week I had a mars bar for breakfast, McDonald’s Mexican cheesy fries (THANK YOU BABY JESUS!) for lunch and a bowl of potatoes for dinner. The most exciting culinary experience of that day was when I asked the waiter for pineapple juice but he misheard it as pineapple chips and brought me a plate of chopped pineapples. The following day I had bread and jam for breakfast, cake and ice cream for lunch and went out to dinner with a friend at a pretty swanky looking gaffe in Mumbai.
Would either of those days ignite food envy in anyone out there? No. Maybe the restaurant , because it was the kind of place that had koi ponds built into the floor, but even then my order was the most boring thing you could imagine – kadai aloo (potatoes again!) and two butter roti. Somebody lock this girl up!
See, my day-to-day diet at the moment is very much dependent on whether or not I can be bothered to try and battle my way through a basic conversation in the local language, or whether I’ll just give myself the day off and eat a whole tube of Pringles or McDonald’s instead. Normally Pringles win out. Very healthy, I know. I eat for my stomach, not for my Instagram, so there’s none of this photo-perfect avocado on toast and coffee with a pretty picture on the top in my life, and pictures of Mars bars and jam on toast – artistic as they may be – just don’t make for good public viewing.
A few days back it was my six month travel-iversary, meaning it’s been six months since I left home and six months since I wore more than a swift lick of mascara on my face. I’ve not shied away from the fact that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing when it comes to my face and make-up and all things beauty, and I won’t for a second pretend that I do! Nor will I go out of my way and try and learn the ins and outs of an art (because it really is an art form!) that doesn’t really appeal to me, for the sake of getting a few page views or new followers.
For me to write up a “4 Perfect Make-Up Looks for Autumn” post would be akin to Mufasa writing up a guide on how to be a baboon. You’re not a baboon, Mufasa, and I am not a make-up guru so let’s make a pact not to pretend to be either.
I do quite enjoy reading other people’s posts on this kind of topic, and I will sit there and ooh and aah over all the pretty pictures of them looking dolled up and ready to sparkle. But that’s never going to be me. Soz. Unless I finally find myself an Indian husband and subsequent Indian marriage because OH MY DAYS have you seen Indian brides?! They look like real life Disney princesses and if I ever look like one of them you better be damn sure I’ll be letting the world know!
Anything dedicated solely to brunch and/or breakfast
Another one for Team Food. I’m not a breakfast person. I very rarely choose to eat it, and if I do I’m more of a chuck some honey Cheerios in a bowl and down a carton of Ribena kind of gal as opposed to a smoked salmon and poached egg on a bed of cress with a drizzle of honey glaze sophisticate. Although I do love me a good poached egg. So don’t expect a ‘best places to eat brunch in Mumbai’ number off of me anytime soon, because the extent of my breakfast experience there was sitting in the hotel restaurant munching on some jam on toast and washing it down with freshly squeezed lime juice.
However much of a breakfast person I am, I’m even less of a brunch person. I once went out for brunch (to Wetherspoon’s so does that even count?!) and I only called it brunch because I went at 11:15am. I had the all day vegetarian breakfast and by the time it arrived it was about 11:40am, so by the time I finished eating it was lunchtime. Is that even brunch anymore?! Where does the line between lunch and brunch start, and where does it end?! I very much like things to be black and white when it comes to most things, and brunch is just too much of a grey area for me to be comfortable. So please, go away brunch.
[Insert number here] Blog Post Ideas for [Insert reason/genre here]
That title is a bit confuddling, so here’s a few examples with actual words instead of brackets: 100 Blog Post Ideas for Autumn, 2149124 Post Ideas for Travel Bloggers, 33 Blog Posts for People Who Love Cheese. You get the gist.
I don’t like these kind of posts, simply because no matter who writes them they’re basically all the same and honestly? They’re boring. The Queen of Words and Life and Paper herself JK Rowling could knock one out and tbh I’d still find myself stifling a yawn by the time I get to idea number 5. I know I’m more than likely in the minority on this one, seeing as these types of posts are hella popular, but as useful as they are I just can’t get myself to enjoy them no matter how hard I try. And I always try to make a conscious effort not to post anything on this blog that I wouldn’t want to read myself if, you know, if I was a reader and not writer of said blog.
Hygge-related mindful goodness
Hygge is everywhere right now – it’s like the new cacti of the blogging world – and for curiosity’s sake I’d love to know what it’s all about, but for personal ex-boyfriend related reasons Hygge is a no-go area for me. I know, I couldn’t be any more vague, but let’s just say that the very word itself doesn’t exactly bring up the happiest of thoughts for me and we’ll leave it at that, because I want to be the mysterious girl drinking a martini at the bar of a swanky hotel who’s back story nobody knows…
Unless the plane is falling apart or they serve maggots in your cucumber salad (cough, Air India, cough), your whole experience with an airline is entirely dependent on the staff and level of service you receive from them. And having worked in a customer service role for five years of my life, I completely understand that sometimes you just don’t want to do life. Especially when you’re serving less than desirable clientele.
Some fliers can be absolute tossers, and on more than one occasion I’ve witnessed an air host/ess on the brink of tears because someone’s being a drunken asshole or just a shitty human being. That kind of behaviour brings them down, and then the lack of happy smiley let’s go on holiday cheery little air hostess faces brings everyone else down too.
So yeah, more often than not a bad (or good!) airline experience is more to do with the service than anything else. Unlike with hotels or restaurants flying for most people tends to be a once in a while activity, so unless I become one of those absolute hardcore nutters who commute from Barcelona to London for work and fly with the same airline every single day, I don’t see how I will ever be able to provide a balanced, fair review based on that small handful of times I’ve flown with BA/Emirates/WizzAir [delete as appropriate]. Although admittedly posts such as ‘My Experience with Airline X’ are a whole different ball game.
The only exception to the rule will be if I ever truly make it in life and somehow worm my way into Emirates Business or First Class. Please excuse the drool on my keyboard as I dream about five course meals and an actual bed and sipping champagne with a rich oligarch 3000ft in the sky *sigh*.
So there we have it – a post of me writing about things I’ll never write about. Is this irony?! And yes, I’m fully aware of the fact that I’m sounding like a right grumpy old man these days, complaining about this and that every other day, which is really funny because I’m neither grumpy, old or a man. I’m actually a happy, jolly, youthful little sprite.